When I was a child, come December, ours was the only house on the street that didn’t have Christmas lights.

Some neighbors once asked my father to put a tree in the yard. He agreed and put up a giant tree—with Hanukkah blue and white lights. I was young, so I just thought my dad was asserting his independence. But over the years and in my studies for Jewish Gentile Couples, I’ve learned that the very different color schemes of Christmas and Hanukkah were actually intentional.

We don’t often think about when or how the traditional colors of the holidays originated. But a lot of American Christmas and Hanukkah traditions are a product of the 19th century. The growing cultural force of Christmas led the Jewish community to develop the minor holiday of Hanukkah into a major winter celebration—one with its own style, colors, and foods.

If you’re in a relationship where one partner is Jewish and the other is a Gentile who grew up celebrating Christmas, those differences are likely impacting you. Especially this year, when the first night of Hanukkah falls on Christmas Day, you might be asking questions like:

How can we decorate for the month of December?

Whose family will we visit?

And how will we pass down two different cultures to our children?

Those questions are worth wrestling through together. And it’s not uncommon for couples to have ongoing tensions around them. But in the case of these two holidays, there’s actually a silver lining. Because when we dig a little deeper into their histories and traditions, we can find a world of similarities and connections.

Lyrics and Songwriters

If you were raised Jewish, Adam Sandler’s “The Chanukah Song” or The Maccabeats’ “Candlelight” might make you feel at home. And if you grew up celebrating Christmas, the first strains of “Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire” might give you a case of nostalgia.

Most of the lyrics of Handel’s “Messiah” came from the Tanakh.

Music has a funny way of sticking in our memories—it can take us back to some of the earliest parts of our family stories. And when you hear December tunes, the two of you might be thinking, She’s got her holiday music and memories, and he’s got his. But if you look at the stories behind the music, you might be surprised at how many interfaith connections you can find!

For example, did you know that most of the lyrics of Handel’s “Messiah” came from the Tanakh (Old Testament)? The song is replete with references to the Psalms and Isaiah.1 It’s not surprising that a song called “Messiah,” with deeper spiritual meaning, would be largely inspired by Old Testament Scriptures. After all, most Christians recognize the Jewish foundations of their faith.

But I found it quite ironic when I discovered how many of the purely “cultural” Christmas songs were written by Jews! To name a few: “Let It Snow” by Sammy Cahn (a.k.a. Samuel Cohen), “Santa Baby” by Joan Javits and Phil Springer, and, yes, even “The Christmas Song” by Mel Torme.2

Hope and Light

As a child, I noticed how the clashing colors and lights on our block presented an eyesore. But looking back, I see that they provided something else. It’s an illustration: both holidays do involve color, and both holidays do involve light. I think there’s a deeper reason for the idea of light at this time of year.

Both Hanukkah (the victory of the Maccabees) and Christmas (the birth of Jesus) came at dark times in Israel’s history. Both came when the people needed light. I’m encouraged by a promise from Isaiah which points to that kind of hope—the hope that comes when we least expect it: “The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light” (v. 9:2, emphasis added).

For readers in Israel, the US, the UK, or other parts of the Northern Hemisphere, December comes at the darkest time of the year. Just as we turn on the lights indoors when it grows dark outside, maybe we hang lights this time of year for a more personal reason. Maybe we are longing for light, looking for hope.

They Both Include Symbols

I met Sam and Carmen* when they were in the dating phase of their relationship. When the winter holidays came, Sam envisioned a hanukkiah in the window. Carmen brought home a figurine of a white angel as she imagined one might have looked when it greeted the baby in the manger. Carmen’s innocent desire to decorate for Christmas triggered Sam—he actually felt that his Jewish identity was threatened in that moment.

Sam and Carmen’s experience is more common than you might think. It seems irrational to get triggered by decorations, but symbols can carry a lot of very deep meaning that hits us on a subconscious level.

But let’s explore for a minute the idea of symbolism as it relates to both holidays. The fact is, both holidays do involve symbols—that’s a commonality! So, let’s dive into them briefly.

What symbols around the holidays are most powerful for you?

The hanukkiah is the central symbol of Hanukkah. It’s different from your everyday menorah: a menorah holds seven candles, buta hanukkiah holds nine for a reason. That story is too long to go into here (if you’re the Jewish partner, likely you know it; if you’re the Gentile partner, read this).

And if you’re a partner who grew up celebrating Christmas, you’ve experienced symbolism around the holidays too. A nativity scene and an evergreen tree can represent the miraculous, like the hanukkiah does.

Holiday symbols can have many meanings. So, take a minute and ask your partner: What symbols around the holidays are most powerful for you? And what do they mean to you?

They Both Invite Community

If you watch a holiday movie, try an experiment. Count how many scenes are set like this: a perfectly decorated room, a cozy table, and a family gathered. We’re willing to bet that most of them do!

True, we may have just described what sounds like a Christmas movie (if you’d like to see more Hanukkah movies, talk to Hallmark about that!). But Hanukkah traditions elevate the idea of family too. After all, why else would you make latkes unless you want a crowd of people gathered at your stove?

Family harmony is one of the most idyllic goals of the holiday season, and if we’re being honest, it’s an ideal that most of us want. Maybe some years, we have it (or glimpses of it); others, it’s a bit more challenging to find.

Try this: choose one custom from each of your traditions that you can incorporate into your celebrations this year. And if you’re up for it, pick a new tradition that neither of you have done before! (This could be as simple as a holiday-themed recipe or game.) Make a note on the calendar of what you tried (or take lots of pictures) so you can remember how you celebrated together.

Both Have a Story to Tell

When you look into the deeper meanings in the stories of Hanukkah and Christmas, you’ll see hope, light, and themes of overcoming. What implications could that have for your family? Maybe exploring holiday stories can be part of the story that the two of you are now sharing.

And that story’s not over yet! In fact, if you’re an interfaith couple starting to learn about one another’s values, your story is only just beginning. You are on a journey that may yet have surprises or gifts you didn’t expect.

If questions come up around the holidays for you as an interfaith couple, we’re here for you! Send us a message—we’d love to chat.

And you can find some practical resources on our website.

*Names changed for privacy.

Endnotes

1. Charles Morris, “Handel’s Messiah: Lyrics and Verse References,” Haven, November 20, 2020.
2. Maddy Albert, “11 Iconic Christmas Songs That Were Written By Jews,” Kveller, December 22, 2020.