One of the easiest ways to gain a following is to tell people what they want to hear, even if it’s not exactly accurate. Not so with Jesus. Some say that “he comforted the afflicted and afflicted the comfortable,” but  Jesus said a couple of things that could make anyone uncomfortable. For example:

If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. (Luke 14:26)

What kind of person would say such a thing? The Torah tells us to “honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12). And even those of us who aren’t religious love and prioritize our families. It’s basic human decency.

If Jesus is contradicting the Torah—and even basic human decency—no one should follow him.  But what if that’s not what he’s doing at all? What if he’s actually offering us the key to a deeper and more meaningful relationship with God and our families than we could ever achieve on our own? To explore that possibility, let’s see what else Jesus said about caring for family.

Jesus and the Jewish value of honoring parents

Jesus publicly emphasized the commandment to honor one’s mother and father, a Jewish value known as kibud av va’em:

And he [Jesus] said to him, “Why do you ask me about what is good? There is only one who is good. If you would enter life, keep the commandments.” He said to him, “Which ones?” And Jesus said, “You shall not murder, You shall not commit adultery, You shall not steal, You shall not bear false witness, Honor your father and mother, and, You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 19:17–19)

On the flip side, Jesus made a point of calling out certain religious leaders who had had found “religious” exceptions to honoring parents who were in need of financial support.[1]

Jesus upheld the Torah commandment to honor parents.

So, Jesus was quoting the Jewish Bible, and he actually upheld the Torah commandment to honor parents. So now we can all go home, right?

Not exactly—because either Jesus is being totally inconsistent when he talks about his followers hating their parents in Luke 14:26, or else we can say, along with Inigo Montoya, “I do not think that word [in this case, “hate”] means what you think it means.” And that’s where we turn to the Jewish Bible and tradition for clarity.

 Did Jacob hate his first wife?

The word “hate” has a very strong connotation in English. But in the Bible, the Hebrew word sana’ that is translated as “hate” was often used to express priority and preference, not emotional revulsion or contempt.

We see this in the story of Jacob’s wife Leah. This modified translation of a key passage in Genesis picks up the nuances of the Hebrew:

… Jacob also loved Rachel more than Leah … When the Lord saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb, but Rachel was barren. (Genesis 29:30–31, emphasis added)

Many translations render “hated” as “unloved.” That’s a fair translationbecause the idea here is not loathing. If Jacob loathed Leah, why did he have seven kids with her and take her with him when he fled from his uncle? In fact, the text says that Jacob “also loved Rachel,” indicating that he loved Leah too, just not as much.

Sometimes the word “hate” does refer to an emotional disposition (see Genesis 37:3–8). Jesus may well have been using that ambiguity to get his audience to stop and think. As the prophets often did, he sometimes framed his teaching in paradoxical language to get people’s attention and make a deeper point.[2]

But the big idea from the Jewish Bible is that loyalty to God takes precedence over loyalty to family. You can see a key example of that when Moses singles out the tribe of Levi for showing their loyalty to God over family members who had engaged in the idolatry of the golden calf. The way Moses describes the tribe of Levi is similar to that controversial statement Jesus made about family:

[The tribe of Levi] said of his father and mother,
‘I regard them not’;
he disowned his brothers
and ignored his children.
For they observed your word
and kept your covenant.
They shall teach Jacob your rules
and Israel your law. (Deuteronomy 33:9–11)

For the tribe of Levi, family bonds did not take precedence over God’s requirements. So, Moses points out the tribe’s loyalty to God in hyperbolic terms.

Rabbinic tradition also expresses similar sentiments on the matter of loyalties. One example:

If a man went to seek his own lost property and …  that of his father and that of his teacher, his teacher’s has priority, for his father brought him into this world, but his teacher, who has taught him wisdom, brings him into the world-to-come.[3]

In Jewish tradition, loyalty to a rabbi who teaches you about God supersedes loyalty to your own parents.

The point Jesus was making was along the same lines. Yes, we should love and honor our parents and be loyal family members. But not in a way or to the degree that it lessens our loyalty to God, as expressed in following the Messiah.

The bottom line

So, in the passage from Luke quoted earlier, Jesus isn’t telling us to hate our families—but he is asking for our ultimate loyalty if for some reason there is conflict between the two. And that’s a hard ask. Why would Jesus want us to be more loyal to him than to our loving Jewish parents, our wonderful children, and our beautiful grandchildren? What did he do for us?

If the gospel is true, Jesus did the same thing that Moses did for us . . . but on a cosmically greater scale. Moses was God’s representative to free us from bondage in Egypt. But Jesus claims to be God’s representative in an even more profound way.[4] He gave his life to set us free from our spiritually lethal habit of giving our hearts and souls to anyone or anything but God. And once we are restored into a relationship with God, we finally have our hearts open to his chesed, a multifaceted Hebrew word sometimes translated as “covenant love,” “steadfast love,” or “mercy.” All of which points to God’s divine loyalty to those he calls his own.

When we make God central, everything else falls into place.

God’s loyal love is that “steadfast” love that “endures forever”[5]—that love that knows and cares for us as no one else can. What could possibly be greater? If Jesus died so that we could receive it, then what do we owe him? If the answer is “everything,” does that leave us with nothing? Not at all! Paradoxical as it may seem, when we give God our greatest loyalty and love, he helps us to love others in ways that we could not if we didn’t put him first.

Think of the center hub of a wheel on your car. Everything else rotates around it so that your tire functions as intended. You could have the best tires in the world, but if there were no hub, or a defective hub, you wouldn’t get anywhere.

God is like the hub in our lives. When we make him central, we discover that everything else falls into place—including our loving relationships with family and friends. Yet people often compete for that central position, and the results can be disastrous.

For example, imagine that you are a teenager with a brother who has developed a serious drug addiction. Your parents warn you not to lend him money or let him borrow the car. Sure enough, one night he comes to you, tells you he’s in a lot of trouble, and begs you to give him the car keys and a hundred dollars. You love your brother, but you also love your parents. So, you remind yourself that your parents literally brought your brother into this world and love him more than you can imagine—and they are older and wiser than you. Your loyalty and love for them means denying your brother’s request. It might seem to your brother that you “hate” him in that moment, but it’s the only way to really love him.

If the all-knowing, all-loving God of the Scriptures exists, he is the one who really knows and cares about what’s best for us and our loved ones. He’s the king of the universe who wants the world to be filled with peace. The best way we can care for ourselves and our families is to offer our ultimate love and loyalty to him.

For reflection

What or who do you see as the “hub” that your life revolves around?

If it’s not God, what would it take for you to give him that place in your life?

Endnotes

[1] See Matthew 15:3–6
[2] For example, in another place, he said, “For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it” (Luke 9:24). Some examples from the prophets: Isaiah 6:9–10 or Malachi 1:2–3.
[3] A Rabbinic Commentary on the New Testament: The Gospels of Matthew, Mark, and Luke (Hoboken: Ktav; New York: Anti-Defamation League, 1987), p. 188, citing Mishnah Baba Metzia 2:11.
[4] In fact, Jesus’ followers understood him to be God, somehow mysteriously come to us as a human son of David and Abraham. Read more on that here: “How Can God Become a Man?”
[5] Psalm 136