Relationships don’t work if you just “go with the flow.” How much more must that be true in interfaith relationships?

In the popular Netflix show Nobody Wants This, Rabbi Noah and his Gentile girlfriend Joann seem to have a lot of fun together. But they skirt around the difficult topics that would actually help them understand each other.

Interfaith relationships can be great, but maybe there’s also a reason why both Jewish and Christian tradition discourage “marrying out.” These marriages won’t work without a lot of intentional conversation.

Nobody Wants Superficiality

Noah invites Joann to Jewish summer camp but neglects to tell everyone that he’s dating a non-Jewish girl. He brings her to Shabbat dinner without any prep. Ultimately, he doesn’t seem to consider what her unique cultural values might be. (Is she just supposed to absorb his culture like a sponge?)

Vulture, New York Magazine’s entertainment and culture website, called it “an intriguing if somewhat insubstantial spin on the interethnic love story.”¹ It’s that insubstantial piece that is sticking with me as I’ve finished my second watch through. Noah and Joann definitely have their share of differences, with maybe only one common goal in mind: living a beautiful, superficial LA life.

If we don’t do the work to dig a little deeper, things only get more complicated later on. For example, I’ve seen countless interfaith couples put off the “kids” discussion until they’re practically in the delivery room. Deciding whether to raise the kids Jewish, Christian, or both only becomes more difficult the longer it’s delayed.

Every time we bump up against a topic that might bring tension to our relationships, the easiest thing to do is to keep kicking that conversation further down the road. But we all get to a place where it can’t be kicked any farther. If we face those discussions head-on and with a posture of curiosity, they don’t have to be fraught; they can actually help bring about long-term peace rather than disrupting it.

How Can We Become Intentional?

Can you really say you love someone—or that they love you—if you haven’t delved into the hard-to-understand parts of each other?

So, bring your whole self to your relationship. And by “whole self,” we don’t mean you need to share every issue you can think of on the first date! But we do mean it’s best to be as authentic as you can be early on. Let your partner know the real you.

Ask your Jewish partner (rabbi or not), “What is something about being Jewish that you love?” Ask your Gentile partner (please don’t call them a shiksa), “Does your family have any traditions that are significant to you? Is there a way we could share that with each other?”

Nobody Wants This has been signed for multiple seasons—and we don’t know yet what will happen to Joann and Noah. But we do know the questions they’ll face if they choose to stay together. Jewish-Gentile couples eventually have to navigate how to plan a wedding, how to relate to the in-laws, what it looks like to pass on Jewish identity to the kids, and which holidays to celebrate. And that’s the short list!

Imagine what your life and relationship will look like in a few years. What priorities will matter down the road? Start talking with your partner about them now—your future self will be glad you did.

There will always be changes that arise that we can’t anticipate. I’ve seen many interfaith couples for whom Jewish identity has become exponentially more important since the tragedies of October 7. Those friends are particularly glad to have discovered that their partners are standing by them through the antisemitism none of us expected to have to navigate. So, when considering a life partner, it’s important to choose someone who will stick with you through the hard moments—even the ones you can’t see coming.

Sharing Faith

A common descriptor for couples where one partner is Jewish and the other is not is “interfaith.” But it’s also commonly true that many of the couples in this situation are actually agnostic or atheist. And sometimes, Jewish-Gentile partners share a similar faith but bump up against other cultural differences.

But these relationships themselves have as many nuances as the word used to describe them. So, a quick fix is usually not the answer.

Joann’s rabbi boyfriend talks about “The Big C” (conversion) as a possible solution for their relationship. Conversion is a big deal!  If you convert to Judaism, you’re considered Jewish for life—even if you break up with your partner.

A healthy relationship shouldn’t make you give up who you are. Of course, there are instances where one partner assimilates happily into the other’s culture (remember Ruth and Boaz?). But that should be done out of a genuine love for your person, their people, and their traditions—not out of a sense of obligation.

Noah and Joann seem to only consider two options: they break up or she converts. Yet there is a third option they haven’t considered. We’ve seen many Jewish-Gentile couples come to a mutual faith in the God of Abraham—without having to navigate the scary “Big C.”

What Everyone Wants

Whether you’re in a relationship with similar cultures and faiths, or you and your partner are total opposites like Noah and Joann, what everyone wants is to know and be fully known.

If we talk through our different beliefs in a vulnerable way, we can actually start to journey together in the search for deeper meaning in life. Whether we’re spiritually curious or devout followers of a particular faith, all of us are searchers. And all of us have something to learn from one another’s experiences—if we’re willing to share and learn humbly from one another without judgment.

Shalom bayit (peace in the home) is possible. Though it might not always feel like it, peace can come slowly while we’re on that journey of shared faith. My friends Sam and Val found shalom bayit. Though they went through a breakup period, they eventually came together through a mutual faith in the Jewish Messiah.

Kveller recently noted that often, we so want to honor our long-standing traditions “that we let go of what it is we really want.”² And it’s true—most of us feel at some point that we have to choose between new relationships, new traditions, and established ones. But it’s a beautiful thing when the new meets the old and you actually find more peace.

Endnotes

1. Nicholas Quah, “The Impeccable Smoothness of Nobody Wants This,” Vulture, accessed June 6, 2025.

2. Lior Zaltzman, “Should Jews Want Netflix’s ‘Nobody Wants This?’,” Kveller, September 27, 2024.